God, getting Googled gets gooey…

I was Googling myself this morning…

(I know, I know, I’ve said a million times you shouldn’t Google small children, animals, for money, and limit it to consenting adults within state lines.)

…just to see how my books were doing. And I found out I was up to $9.95 plus shipping in eBay.

(Ebay, by the way, is everywhere in Google.)

I figured the $9.95 bid was quite a compliment. You can get a fully operational nuclear reactor and a pound of plutonium for that on the eBay for twelve bucks. How do you think Iraq did it?

The next time one of those suckers comes up for bids, I’m going to get one for the back yard. Not only will it bring down my heating bills, but I have this neighbor I want to irradiate.

As I got deeper into Google, of the 582 listings for Ed Easley, as I’d narrowed it down from 352,966, I found out there’s an FBI narc out there by the name of Ed Easley who does drug busts. I wanted folks to know THAT’S NOT ME.

I’m also not the baseball player. He’s rich and famous. THAT’S NOT ME.

I’m blind in one eye. When you’re blind in one eye, you have no depth perception.

This was funny for a while. When I was a kid, the all other kids wanted to play baseball with me. I had no idea where the ball was, so I would swing wildly. This stopped being funny when I brained the catcher.

Protective gear is overrated.

Back to Google.

I still count my book reviews in the Ponca City (Okla.) News and Trailer Park Gazette as my favorites. The brilliance if their feature writer really is unsurpassed.

THAT IS ME.

Also on Google… I do not sell insurance for State Farm, though I am sure that guy is a capable, qualified, handsome devil.

And no. NO FOR GOD’S SAKE, did I ever have anything to do with Connecticut’s swim team. I’m thinking of suing that guy for defamation of character because he won’t leave Connecticut.

I hate Connecticut. I wish we had 49 states or Iraq would overrun the state. Only the American Bar Association would notice it missing.

Crimes Against Commerce and A Matter of Tastes are both available in German, Japanese, and Republican. You can find them at a book burning near you.

Crimes Against Commerce is not only available in places like Yale and Harvard. You can also order it order from fine sites like from Bottom Dollar (www.bottomdollar.com ) First Place Bookplace (www.firstplacebookcase.com ). It’s also available in dumpsters outside of your public library I understand.

More on Google.

What you can’t do is find this site on the web by searching Google. Well, not easily anyway. I was wondering how I could write every newspaper in America and beg them to review my book and have only a couple respond.

Now I have my answer.

Hundreds of them may have.

I just can’t get Googled. No matter how hard I try.

Google doesn’t do most newspapers.